noue ontkomings

DISASTER (in a word). Watched the movie, drank the wine, ate the food..... started kissing - and then he told me in so many words that he wanted to make love to me. Kept saying: "Damn, you really need to get laid, girl" and: "Has it really been that long?" (if you say yes, we will go upstairs and I will do you). Didn't have condoms, but had some story about playing outside the rules of church and state (the reason why he doesn't stop at stop streets, he says) - and even when I said I intended to remain celibate until the divorce was finalised, didn't want to budge. Isn't coming back - says that by my choice I've lost him for good.
To clarify: he says "The lady decides if and when, and the gentleman decides where and how". I made my decision once (no) so that's it. Subject closed.
Damn, he's a good kisser - but not the only one on the planet.
Tisha went out with Gerhardt & Anthony, says they wanted to go to Potch, do I want to come along? I want to get into bed with the remains of that famous bottle of red, so it looks like they're coming here instead, which is cool. Would be ironic if I took Anthony to bed instead, but that would be playing by N's paradigm, so I won't. That, and the fact that he's years younger than I am. And I am not in the mood for games. Or morning-after regrets.
Maybe I should have taken N up on his one-time offer.
Or not.
I am, after all, my father's daughter.
Keep thinking about the morning after. I guess I am constrained by the rules of society - but in the sense of John Locke's social contract. There is a reason for these rules. Beyond that - if he says I cling to the rules, he disregards that I might have my own reasons for doing so. He feels redundant, has achieved everything, is jaded and tired and disillusioned. Dangerous. Dangerous to me (and he admits it freely). Nihilistic view of life. I don't know why he bothers to get up in the morning if he feels that way. He dances on the edge of a blade and will be unsurprised if it cuts him in two. That is sad.
The last thing I said to him: "I hope you find what you're looking for - before it finds you."
He wished me well.