tell me that you love me

What would I write to you (as promised)?
DEAREST N. (I could write) - this is all the result of growing up without unconditional love. It makes me vulnerable to criticism. Very vulnerable. Especially to myself. When I was younger it was important to perform, to excell, to be good enough. Implicit in that statement is the concept that I could of course never be good enough, never quite measure up to expectations. It was never okay to be just me. So I spent years trying to be someone else and that didn't work out so well.
Well, screw that.
As for inadequacy: I live out my days with a steady sense of self-loathing. The medication helps a lot, but long weekends are a break in my routine - so I forget to take the meds. And seeing that damn blue wheelchair sure didn't help. That just reminded me of my mother, and my failure to be the kind of daughter I'm sure the situation demanded: supportive, nurturing, all that.
I'm beginning to depend on you, to need you, which makes me vulnerable to you - and that's not good. You can't possibly hurt me as much as I hurt myself, but the possibility exists. As for having a little one.... please don't talk about that. My failure to get pregnant (my inadequacy) really hurts, and so it hurts when you blithely talk about children as if they are a given.
Most of this is self-pity. You know that, right?